So i talked to Jen and she basically said the only way i was going to get over Karen is to just suck it up and stop thinking about her, i need to be better, so im going to actively try. I tried over the summer but obviously was not successful. I just need to redirect those emotions. I have friends that deserve and could make use of the attention that i give to Karen; she doesn't even want it or need it. So im not in love with her. I am a friend and a friend only, i have no long term feelings, I am over her all the way. In fact im so over her i don't even remember, who, no what is a Karen?
See im done, im replacing the amazing times i had last semester with the ones happening this semester.
Like hanging out with sal, or chillin with uji, playing with Tuesdays cats. It has been a really fun semester. I went snowboarding like 4 times or so so far. I may not be doing so hot in school, but I am clinically depressed and im learning how to cope and deal with it on a daily basis. I am going through a rough patch, and it will get better. I may not and most of the time don't see it getting any better, but people tell me it will. R tells me it does, I really do trust her, hoping its not left over feelings of trust from b4.
I really miss my car, it sounds stupid, but i love my car, i don't care what it takes im going to rebuild the engine, and keep her.
But its ok i have a pretty ok car! Im still alive from the maneuver that got her in the shop to begin with. Im lucky for that, that was scaaaaary!!!! we could have totally been tboned like 6 ways, literally. If we were 60 seconds later we may not be here, I feel worse about endangering someone else's life, i have no problem risking my own neck but i have no right to do so to another!! Well thats in the past and ill stay there. So im here now, finals week, just chillin. feelin arite. cool as a cucumber.

Message to CT

Message To CT:
"

getting caught up in all this monotony, its dragging me down. THese mood swings are killing me, and I feel as though this is the "awesome" future i have to look frwd to. on the inside i want to part of it. Truthfully i duno what i waant. i see my goals and ambitions there, but cant seem to make everything click into place.

One day ill be ready to take on the world and then next i feel as though im getting steamrolled by my life, flattening under the weight. Yesterday was terific, i was happy, i felt strong healthy and i was even dancing arround the appt. I worked on my computer that has needed some repairs badly for a longtime, and tied up loose ends all over my life.
Today i couldent get out of bed for my 2pm class, just layed there. I did eventually get up thinking all the while, no, wishing that i could just sleep and never have to get up to go to class, to eat, to do anything, no commitments, just pure raw relaxation, no plans, cares or worries. Ive trained myself to act like i dont give a shit. on the inside i do, i really do. I care too much and get too involved in other pples shit for my own good, sidebar, maybe i should have been "too involved" in your life last year, or... i duno where im going with that thought.

I know your in a better place now, away from all of these stupid worldly concerns. Sadly the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps I should join you, dr tells me its the chemical imbalance, i duno, death has always been a very curiously interesting topic for me. I duno how i feel about it in general, it brings sadness however is neutral itself. Well Cody Thompson, hats off to u for making a choice, I love u, and being far from you brings great sadness at times. But we will all go at sometime, just wish i had more with u. There is so much more we could have done, fun we could have had, wild adventures we could have embarked on, I guess we still can, metaphysically speaking.
good bye cody.

"

So since Monday, things are getting better. I feel OK about the car situation, comfortable with my financial situation, and dark thoughts have been repelled to the outskirts of my mind. I just recalled in class that Ive never really told anyone until recently, Z and I were talking about death. I mentioned that when I die I want to be cremated, after organs have been harvested. Then maybe released somewhere, a cool place like a lake, river, waterfall, space, mountain, field. Just somewhere cool.

So I'm in bed almost dosing off when i remember when i was little in the evenings we would sometimes hangout in my parents room and watch national geographic specials. When it got late, being the youngest, I always fell asleep in their bed. My daddy would pick me up and tuck me in my bed. Sometimes I would fake being asleep just to get tucked in, thing is I'm certain my dad knew. I was never a very convincing liar.

I just looked through some papers on my desk and came across a court recepit for "und posess alc". I still get nervous thinking about it.

Its been a pretty usual day, recently they all seem to sum up to be boring, and crummy. Lastnight I had the idea of riding on main st until i found something intresting, about an hour later i was in williamsburg. On the way back 11 mi away on interstate 295 i overheat. pull over fill er up with water, and wait for it to cool. go to start it, no luck, im stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere. got towed to the house and then went to bed at 530 ish. got up at 8 ran a short errand took a short nap and went to class at 10 for like 5 min, then skipped out. Got car towed to the shop and updated later that my car has a blown headgasket, im like wtf!!!! I was really upset, ive tried really really really hard to make sure that this didnt happen, but guess it didnt work. : (
So now in order to get jenifer back on the road were talking about over 600 in repairs, and thats just for the headgasket. Not to mention the other problems im having them look at.

I feel crummy, hopeless and alone, but a part of me wants to be alone. Wants to stay alone, I've come to understand that opening up and letting everyone in leaves you volurnible to any and everything. People will let you down, its a fact of life! I can see this in myself, and even in my closest friends; Z is basicly cutting me off while she gets her shit together (id like to find a happy medium, not spending every min together, and not ignoring me for weeks at a time.) R is buisy with APO and school and life, it seems that all we talk about these days is like o wow were so lonely, we should get bf's/gf's, and that school is a bitch, and maybe snippets about the famalies, overall these talks are quite shamefull when i think about the ones we usted have, i guess we have changed. K, i was under the deliusion that she was the perfect girl, or perhaps woman. Well she may have many many desireible qualities, however she is far from perfect. The thing is im still so infatuated with her that even now seeing these pitfalls, I still want her.

Want is so general, phisically ya sure... But more importantly I want to get closer to her emotionally, I want her to open up and trust me, be able to confide in me. I realize that it would take a freeking miricle for our circumstance to change, and being friends may not be optimal but I prefer having this aweinspiring person in my life as opposed to not.

Guess I will continue on spending nights on hilltops pondering, and days in bed feeling like death.

: (

Fuck me i need to get laid! dunno how hats going to work with my whole people suck complex. The more i think about it the more real it is. I Hate other people! HATE HATE HATE!!!!!! In the future i need to remove myself from the presence of others. I need to do things on my own. I need to stop giving a crap about others. Just focus on me!

So i had a pretty good weekend. Got nice and drunk!!! relaxing! so now back to school ect ect. I still need to sort out stuff at finance offices. I really really dont like people right now. PPle suck. they are full of dissapointment, the only thing i have found from those arroind me and close to me is instability and disfunction. Everyone has problems, but its none of my buisness to take theirs on. I got bored so i went after some adrenaline rush. I want to go to Hollywood cemetery. I like the lack of pple and the silence. They are calming and relaxing. I am free to wonder, and ponder. I guess theres nothing holding me back from going sept myself and tiredness. I know if i go im not comming back till tomorrow afternoon. maybe i should try and get permission from the owner. or downtown to skate. friends, i love them but sometimes feel that im too vested in my relationships. in too involved for my own good. I care about most of these pple like family. I feel as though I have been pushed back and repelled from their lives. Its not just one person specifically but the whole lot. The only true friend that i have is myself, im not going anywhere. I need to learn to live without needing other people. I didnt usted be so dependent on others. sleep is overpowering my nubile brain and i must go and be claimed. I hope i feel better tomorrow. Even with these negative thoughts i still managed to get a shite load done, laundry, cleaning my room, shopping. : ) Im still in love with that one, but have since removed her picture from my bag. Using her as inspiration and to refocus was effective, but im not going to get over her if I continue idolizing her, she has flaws, i kno this but still maintinan my sunny out look on well her. Im still tainted from these feelings. I want to be friends again. Were all busiy and maybe this is why but people only seem to get busiier so i need to get useto this since it will grow exponentially. I need to rediscover me for me and not the me that is for other people. I know i mold myself to what people need, i can be an abrasive ass hole, or a sensative carring friend. all depends. But i need to be what i want to be. I need to free myself of the constraints of others. get in touch with the real me. Coldplay makes me feel goood!

Sep 28

SO lastnight I basicly had a nervous breakdown of sorts. I got back from farmville and felt tired. Then i Schaefed with Simon which worked out rather well. we had fun chilling then ryan cox showed up. We decided to study for a bit. After the library closed i started feeling really bad. I just drove and drove for hours. I just drove and listened to the fray. I felt god awful, i felt compelled to hurt myself. I felt that somehow it would release me from this feeble existence. I would never extinugh myself. Even though i was having these thoughts i know that's just the depression talking. I eventually pulled over and cried, it was sad. I felt alone, I was alone. I txted pple but no one responded. I was slightly hurt, these are people that I have comforted in times of weakness, and cared for, and people who I care about. But when I feel like knifing myself, no one. No one. So wallowing in my own patheticness, It began to look like an option. and thats when i needed to tell someone. I duno why, to acknowlege that this was real and not some sick twisted dream. Its funny my life feels like it could totally be a dream. Im so apethetic when it comes to responsibilities these days. nothing matters. Well so I told becca, her advice was that i needed to go see someone, ya cause that would definitely fix it. Talking is useless. How is talking going to undo all of the damages that have been caused by this shitty depression. It seems like a pointless waste of time.
So ya that was that, im currently embracing emo music, it makes me feel better, like i can connect to some pple. But i guess i always liked it. I want some really strong drugs, the kind that are so powerful I wont wake up for days, and need to be injected intravenously!!!

So today I'm in Farmville visiting my best friend ever Becca. Shes so freaking understanding and awesome!!!! Its a little awkward cause for a while i was basically in love with this girl but slowly but surely i got over it. She well, i really wish she could see herself from my shoes. Shes like the best, nicest, shes hot (and don't know it), shes down to earth, knows when to pick her fights. She really cares, and while she values her sleep above many others, she always leaves time for me and all of my late night woes.

So ya I'm tired but i am getting really frustrated because i am tired, i want to sleep but for the past few nights i cant sleep. I do nab a few hours, but waiting for it to come is torture. Like sleep is supposed to be like this natural human necessity and i know i rep being unique and different and weird, but I'm totally alone on this front. My body wants sleep, i need it, but for the life of me i cant get it. I just lay there for hours on end. I use to find sleep to be a quiet dreamy refuge from the harshities of the world, but its not anymore, its just sleep, its nothing, I wake up frazzled feeling worse than I did before. I feel worse than the nights that I get no sleep at all. Ive also noticed that well I'm kinda a little bit different. During the day I'm awake, I'm alive and functional. But its at night when I can really open up and be myself. Its an interesting phenomenon. I have not been so super concerned about it until this afternoon after wallmart, I was such a downer, i was really down, i just wanted to be left alone, to my thoughts. But after saying it out loud i realized that i wanted to be around Becca more so. I hadn't seen her for a legit long time, since the summer, and any time with Becca is a world better than no time at all, so i realized that i had to stay and make it work, even if i felt like stale shit. Specially since i don't know the next time i will get to see Becca in person. Talking over the phones good. Its OK, but face to face, I'm SO Happy right now, u don't even know, shes sleeping but i know that shes here and it makes my life better somehow. Maybe these are left over feelings from b4 but i think not, I'm over her, i was over her a long time ago and this this is what friendship feels like. I'm just reeling in the throngs of this super awesome friendship!!! : ) I could totally hug her right now, but shes sleeping and that could be kinda creeps.

Ne ways I'm super excited about this device called zipit. Its like this toy that I'm trying to put Linux on. And maybe i can even emulate xp? i dunno still working it out. I'm am on a hunt for the stupid mini sd adapter. I cant find it anywhere. Its really sad : ( omg and i need to get my tuition situation sorted out like 3 days ago. And get money into my acct to pay my credit card bill. I think i may have over drafted, like maybe 34 bucks, and then they would have hit me with a 39 dollar fee, so now i need to deposit 170 ish to come out even after my credit card bill. : ( good luck with that. Specially since my bank is only in nova so i gotta get my mom to do it since I'm not driving 90 miles home to pay da bills. And now that's kinda sad cause I hit the car and that's like 600 plus this 200 and I'm so freaking expensive. : (

Today has been decent, I woke up had some : ( thoughts, but nothing overkill. Just normal like actually normal. My shower was quite rejuvenating, and then I realized that it was crunch-time and I needed to get to class or else I would miss the first quiz for info systems. I saw an old friend when I got out of class, and I got a parking spot behind the library. I feel normal, I feel like me and I'm tired and haven't eaten anything substantial in like a few days but I'm great!!!! I even forgot to take my meds until just now, something unheard of before since it was one of the only things that would kick my mood enough to get me out of the house. Maybe this whole depression spell is over and I can finally get back to enjoying my life, my outlook is positive! However this does not mean that I'm going to do anything to change it, I fear that any changes I make to my routine may jeopardise my happiness. There is no way in hell that I would even consider that!!!!!! So maybe I'm back for good, I sure hope so.

So its late and I'm cold and alone in the library, hiding from people, hiding from myself and from my thoughts. Per my last entry, I found that when a person is going day to day carrying over a sleep debt, this acts as a form of natural antidepressant. This is not hard at all for me since I love the benefits of caffeine! My meds are laced with some sort of stimulant, depression itself at core disrupts sleep cycles, and I'm in a phase where I have major difficulties in falling asleep. So it seems to be working as the perfect solution, I stay up late, which I would normally do anyway, stay productive, and wake up the next morning after a couple of hours of sleep and not be/ feel suicidal. Its comical in a sick(ning) sort of way for me to look back on me being suicidal, its not a happy thought, its a thought of horror and despair, looking for but finding no escape. Well I hope that I have found a coping method. The meds well I guess they do something because generally a few hours after I take them I begin to feel a little bit closer to the old me. I reaffirm the belief every day that I have chosen life and not death.
So there are down sides to this madness, well this lesser form of madness, when contrasted with my own personal feelings of phycosis before I crafted this idea. Well I have relearned a few undesirable traits from my childhood, constant forgetfulness, clumsiness, these can make college life difficult as there is allot riding on remembering things and keeping focused. I now put allot of energy into checking and double checking myself when driving, sitting in class taking notes, studying, and just in general. Nothing pointed out the need for more focus than when I realized I left my entire key chain in the door lock all night for anyone to break into the apartment or steal my car..... thank god everything is ok! I know that I will have to deal with constant unending and in cases unimmagineable weakness and tiredness, my immune system will suffer, I may become flaky mentally and even have phycotic episodes. I cannot stress enough that this is the lesser of the two evils, I do hope even when I get better that I always remember that bitter feeling of hopelessness, of being trapped and tortured by my own thought with no way out in sight, and how much I would never, ever, ever, want to go back!
I'm tearing up thinking of such things, but it shows that the worst enemy that one can have is one's self.
I don't know how long i will be able to follow my plan, to keep my demons at bey but I read an article in RLS this morning about a man that lived without sleep for 40 years. Hopefully i will get over what ever this is and be able to sleep and wake up refreshed, feeling good again. Feeling good, caffeine makes me feel so good, I feel alive, and while it may make my extremities go numb sometimes, and give me chills/ hot flashes, and make some appendages shake and tremble, I wouldn't give it up for the world because it makes me feel! It makes me feel like me, good, happy, energetic, willful, and even pulls out bits of my prior absolute confidence, the part that made me feel like I could walk on water, and float in air, infallable.
Feelings come rushing back and I welcome them graciously, but sadly they only last as long as the caffeine takes to wear off.
Ive been taking 200 mg a day, however its effects are wearing off in this late hour. I reflect on my demeanor and it has dropped from a smile, to one of no concerns, and finally rests at a look of disgust. That's how I feel when the drugs wear off, disgusting. I wrought and toil in foul thoughts of endless unbearable darkness. Wow that's such an emo sentence, its amazing that there are so many words in English that describe bad things, and negative things. Or words that have negative connotations.
Two things I'm looking into include the idea of codependency addiction, or people addiction, and the highs that can be achieved from asphyxiation. After looking into the latter I believe any high would come at too high of a cost, under my diminished condition due to the sleep loss, I need all brain synapses I can get to fire round the clock. Ill probably leave the library when it closes at 2. But until then I will explore the possibility of any exercises that I can undertake to expand, recover and create new connections in the brain, that would normally occur under restful normal sleep. Maybe toss in some assembly programing! I'm tinkering with the idea of dropping off some gifts to some residents of park ave, they've, no we've all had rough days today.

Woke up feeling like crap, so then took a shower and felt even worse. Its amazing how the mind can wonder when it has nothing to occupy it. I then realized that I'm trapped, I am trapped and the only way out is to get better. I will get better, I need to get better. It came down to decision time and I needed to choose weather I wanted to live or die. I felt like I want to die, I feel like I want to die. I feel as though life has nothing more in store for me but this stationary monotonous existence. I chose that I need to persevere through this. At times it feels like living hell, I have no energy, no motivation, i feel hollowed and numb on the inside. I will continue, not for myself, I care not weather I live or die, but I continue on for my friends, for my family, and for the itty bitty glimmer of hope that I sometimes feel that oneday I might get better. After I took the medication I began to feel more normal, but thinking back this is so so so far from real normal, from the old me. These days im on edge all of the time. Sleep is torture as it does not come, I lay there waiting for the restfull experiance I once knew that would grip me and take me to a better place. If and when it does come I generally wake up the next day feeling dead. I looked forward to death as the only escape in sight. But then the medication kicks in and I feel like maybe I can struggle on maybe for another day, I function just barely. So then afternoon comes arround and the stimulants start wearing off. I loose all energy and movitation. So I maybe decide to take another, knowing that if I do I cant sleep that night. Or maybe a caffine pill, but that includes a whole new boat of problem, my body goes numb, i get jittery and am compeled to move constantly, like now in accounting I cant sit still. I feel like i may explode at any minute. Its so crazy!

So its finally beginning to dawn on me that it didn't take a day to get to this point, these feelings or emotions what ever lead me to this point, depression, well its going to take more than one or two good days to fix, no mater how many pills i throw at it, it wont just step down or go away. its not something i can just suppress like a feeling, its deeper and more basic than that, its brain chemistry. I wanna say fuck u brain chemistry, i wanna be who i was before, i wanna feel good for no good reason, i want to be happy and lively, climb mountains and be social. you would think that this problem would have been affecting me allot earlier in my life, like when I was locked in holding, or when i got rejected from vcu the first time, or anytime at all there's more than enough shit in my past. Why now, when my life's getting good, I'm at the school i wanted to go to in the first place, i have the friends that i want to have, I have possessions that i couldn't dream of having. and still I'm not happy, so maybe the Beatles had it right when they say happiness is a warm gun, maybe death is the only certainty and maybe we can bet our stakes on it. So why not sooner than later, but i know that i wouldn't end mine that way, Cody Thompson comes to mine, a great guy. I wonder what drove him over the edge, was it the things he saw in Iraq, his relationships with people, or maybe it was just that he'd had enough, how does one know when they have had enough. When your trapped with no way out, that's one time that people know, how do i know when its my time to cut out. Its really crummy how (and Ive just lost focus, another symptom)!

Its quite amazing how much people take for granted, the simple joys in life. things that used to make me happy now are mediocre. I used to revel in joy and feeling's about how great I am and all that i have accomplished, now i couldn't care weather i live live or die.I look around at all of theses students so entrenched in their lives busy talking about classes, food, parties, work.... but none of it really matters in the grand scheme, 20 years from now looking back are you going to remember these things, or what you wear, or even how your car drove. I dunno where this level of thinking is at, is it higher than before, or have i immersed myself in it so much that it is actually lower.

I think what effects depression will have on my life, there is no doubt that it will somehow shape it and mold it into what, maybe i will come out better, maybe worse! But then again maybe there is no consequence, because i am depressed and there is no changing of fact. We live in a cause and effect world, i cant help but think of what caused this, how did i get here, and to a certain extent why me.

I'm rolling around (in my head) in a pile or self pity, is this what i need, is this what i want, websites tell me that i do, i feel on some level its helpful, but I'm loosing so much time and productivity when i could be grabbing life by the horns. Then it hits me o wait I'm still in bed and don't have the drive to actually do anything. Its a sad sad reality.

and the saga continues

So what hasn't happened......

OK so my entire summer pretty much composed of me constantly fighting with my parents about stupid things. when this wasn't occurring i was at work, i made so so so many mistakes it is not going to be surprising to me if my boss doesn't ask me to come back. I knew i was not myself over the summer and i thought it was because i was upset about how things had ended with Karen..... poorly to say the least. Shes just not interested and i am. Rejection sucks!!! o then another Revelation in my life,,, so apparently I'm clinically depressed, wtf right! i mean i was really really sad over the summer, numb... etc but i never thought depression was the cause. Well now I'm taking wellburtin SR, it seems to have some good effect, Sept the part where i don't sleep. and the headaches.
Yesterday i had my first happy day in a long time. Went over to toms place and had a few drinks, IE half a bottle of wine and 2 beers. there all good guys and great friends but I'm really absorbed in feeling sorry for myself its kinda like i dunno if i need to tell others, I'm doing a pretty good job at comforting myself. Its funny about how getting the news that Ur depressed is actually more depressing than not. So lately in social gatherings i feel isolated and away from the group, detached. Tonite we stayed at z's place, we talked about all sorts of things love, life, the meanings and our experiences. its really great to be able to open up to someone like that. I just really wish if i could find someone to open up too like that who was all of the things that I'm looking for. Karen is so freaking amazing. she is a real catch of a lifetime...... whom ever she does decide to be with, well that will be one lucky guy!
And this idea of being friends, since she doesn't think we have what it takes to be be any more. well i don't really see how this is going to work if she is so closed off, she remains the same way no matter how much time we spend together. Z says that i have already broken thought allot more barriers than any other guy she knows which appears to be an accomplishments in itself. I wish i really wish that there was some way that this could workout, i dunno how but it feels like i have really deep emotions for this girl. I just cant get over the facts that shes like so freaking perfect, get this : shes full of adventure, she is performance driven , goal oriented and not to mention has a flair for style and living life how its meant to be lived. but I'm just wasting my time.... SHE IS NOT INTO ME! OK now that i have reminded my self of this i shall go to rest.

: )

So I told Karen that I liked her, that I really liked her. So I really really like her. I had a dream last night, it wasn't a dirty or naughty dream we just laid on the ground in each others embrace, everything was in complete harmony, and at peace. Calm and complete, while I know we are so so far away from this still being in college in all where it would be imposible to be distraction free. I know that there are sooo many obstacles that she has hurdled that I still need to conquer. I told her the real story of my legal troubles, I sincerely hope that it doesn't affect her view of me. If I were in her shoes I think it would affect the oppionion of me. also to be continued!

So I'm studying in the library today again. Karen is wearing a really cute dress, her dad apparently came to have dinner with her, it seems as though everything she does is really functional. Even with the cultural aspect that i seem to struggle with she can maintain her composure to sit down and have a casual dinner with her dad. Shes so great and the funny thing is I dunno if I'm doing this consciously or subconsciously but it seems I'm constantly thinking about her. I know she still sees me as Zaneera's little brother, just due to the way in which we interact. I think i will talk to Angie and find out if Karen needs a friend or boy friend. I know i can be both, but if shes not looking for love then the next best thing i can do for her is remain her friend. I also need to talk to Angie about the whole thing about how i seem to jump from one girl to another. It worries me, I don't want Karen to just be another one of those girls that i liked and either let slip away or maybe more so liked the idea of having them as a girlfriend and thus it never worked out. It seems in everything i do what ever I'm doing i can always relate it back to Karen. Maybe like i cant stop thinking about her? I dunno.

SO 2 of my new friends including karren show up at 2 am infront of my house, outside my window. Im like ahhh leme get some clothes on!!! They came carrying gifts! I was like *Heart*!!!! So yea ... i think im going to srudy with them tonite, maybe hagout... Havent spoken to rebeca yet sept yesterday, She said it wasent me it was something else, something she couldent tell me.

I feel sick to my stomach in the positions i have gotten myself into. I feel sad. maybe i just need to eat something but i dunoooo

Karen

So karen, I couldent stop thinking about her last nite. This morning, i feel like shit. About becca, im waiting to hear back from her, if she calls im sorry for making her cry but honestly she wanted me to agree with her that she needed to get her sleep and about the plane ticket situatuon. i dont agree, its not me thats having an issue its her, she should know that im looking out for her best intrest as always. I realize i dont mind being that guy when it comes to comforting other people but i do admit that lately shes been taking advantage of my intrest in her life. I have my own shit going on and i do get to serve my own needs before the needs others, sometimes. I wish she could see it this way, I wish she would choose our friendship over her anger. I feel like being allone maybe... iduno if i wanted to be allone the libbrary prob isnt the best idea, however staying at home was not a choice eiher, the exterminator was to come today, a 9am to 1 pm. I was going to do laundry and get shit done looks like thats postponed for another day, i do need to do my vcu app and do landury and call apple about the job, and maybe apply else where, talk to dad about housing, and pickup recepits for msa.. im bored and tired of this, i want change no i need change! I ikinda feel as though im getting squished under all of the pressure, however looking analytically there is no real cause at all, maybe my own expectations, expectations that are getting shattered. but sometimes its ok to be emo. rite? i think so, i mean its not normal to be happy all of the time.

______

So i find that im quite in like with said friend. I dont know her that well but i do care for her and all of my new friends allot. Every time i see her i cant help but smile on the inside. Shes working much on getting oversommeone. I totally flipped out on becca today. Weve totally been slipping through the cracks lately. I have always made our friendship like ubber protrity, but lately it seems she doesent have much extra time to talk and such. It makes me sad, I dropped my calc class which made me really upset. Now i have a shit load of open time. But i feel that I have so much going on in my head.... I duno if i actually like her or if its just me being atracted to the idea of a relationship. We'll see.
2 nites ago we went to hollywood cem, it was nice! relaxing..ect... I do like her allot!

I think im going bAck tonite. NOW

fun in r

SO yesterday i found out it was a friends friends birthday... so i dropped off a little gift. Anonymously; one of the trinas i wooted. Shes freeking out about it in a good way. Which makes me smile inside and out. Funny cause shes sitting right next to me.

ok So heres Feburary in a nut shell

Feb started out bad, The moped my parents bought me was 50cc's basically slow as shit! So i decided to upgrade, i took it apart and tried to install the kit, it was 3mm of center of the cylinder so i decided against it, put the bike back together and no ignition. I flipped out, because i broke my only mode of transport. So i had class and had to walk/run the 5 miles. took me a fucking hour. and was cold as shit, My road bike was locked in the garage and i had no key. I told my parents and they bitched at me be got over it. My dad decided he had no other choice but to bring the car back. I am eternally grateful!!!! So i have my car doing my community service hours, took my AA class, and then one of the most beautiful amazing, fantastic girls i ever met shows up. I fall in love with her, we talk and talk. One day we do lunch, i didn't realize it could be like a test date, i acted like an idiot, i just thought we were both hungry. We flirted etc etc, but I could have done much better. I show up on the next Thursday and shes not there, Thursday is the day we both have off, the day i was going to ask her out. But then also Becca let me know she knows we are friends but that she thinks her feelings could be more, which is a shock to me, because I'm not really the type she dreams about, I'm not a southern cow boy, with a general store in the mountains, if anything I'm likely to be an urban cowboy, with a computer repair facility in the city. Its weird because were all super lonely, Tom is missing relationships both physical and emotional, I'm just bothered by a nagging loneliness (and difficulty keeping it in my pants, morning wood it the most annoying thing ever), and Becca is lonely and sad because she cant seem to find anyone around longwood who isn't already in a relationship or a total dick. I know i also have feelings for her, the more permanent ones, but i love them both, but they appeal to two different sides of me, Amber; she is focused, directed, confident, she knows what she wants and does what it takes to get it. She is kind, unafraid to speak her mind, she is bold and stylish like Cali surfer girl stylish and hott.

Becca on the other hand is funny, family oriented, fun to hangout with, super agreeable, kind hearted, we know each other on a deep level, were bff's, shes cute, she has an inner beauty, she knows what is right and sticks with her gut. She gives amazing advice, and stays mostly rational, she is like me in allot of ways, but in many more were totally different, its like we mesh together. I do dream about what it would be like to get older, this bull i said about staying a bachelor is not true, i do want to get married, have kids (shit they don't even have to be mine), be with somebody that i loves me and whom i can love back, who we can spend the rest of our lives with. Where we can go sailing to Guam, maybe go surfing with, fishing, camping, reading, hiking, or just watch movies and play games with. Someone who will come on wild adventures with me and enjoy them as much as i do, which will be hard because for me, doing something extreme is so much more meaningful when your doing it with someone you love.

I could actually see Becca and i doing those things together, i see a future for us, while I can see a future for Amber and I it is foggy and unclear I in no way know her as well as i know becca. I told becca that I too am confused about the feelings i have for her. I do love her but how far does that love go, I might say id die for her, but then again, id die for any of my real friends. This is complicated because i know Tom thinks he likes Becca, the problem with this is Tom is also horny and he is close to becca, im not saying he is trying to use becca, but it seems hes only liked her for the past 3 weeks or so. Maybe im just jelous. It was also upsetting to find out that her and Rob another friend madeout on new years, i know everybody was drunk but still! And then rob told me some super disturbing news about the time becca and trevor had a fling at my place, well lets say i wanted to burn my bed sheets. I was disgusted, and will never look at trevor the same way again. I totally still like her, and i want to be with her, but theres the distance, fuck the distance, theres the whole amber thing, i basicly think shes avoiding me since last week, she put her self on the line expecting me to make a move and i waited too long. So now shes avoiding me. I dont want becca to think im trying to use her as a fall back cause i know my love for her is alot stronger but i also know she can do better than me, tom, rob or trevor. Were all weird in different ways and shes just amazing. I Love Rebeca Vanhook. But i cant tell her because, i dont know y. maybe i should, she might be like "its your hormones". She thinks thats y basicly all of her guy friends have liked her at one time or another.

z-omg

So today has been baddd, i woke up and decided to skip calc, sounds like the begining to a good day right? maybe, so i get up at 11 and get to work, since i told my parents about the underaged deal they took the car away and bought me a moped. so i did the prep work on it last night oil change... then i tried to kick start it, no luck. So its 11 and im kickstarting = no sputter, no noises, no ignition. I decide the problem is there is no ignition, so i try to find the spark plug, resort to online, they say its all the way underneeth the whole frame of the bike, and one must remove all the plastics. so i did it, check the spark plug= no spark= no go. Decide i should go to advanced auto to get a new one, call dad to tell him whats up but then i get the idea to test the plug on the dirt bike since its got the same plugs, it was a match, and it worked. both bikes started, so then i went and rode it ... 7 hours later i got home put some music on, prayed at the insistance of my parents then called my dad, no answer. 5 min later mu landlord is like ur out of here due febuary. im like ahhhhhh! so im shakeing and panicing. i appolpgize for teh shit ive been up to... ect. he says im a good tennant but bringing a dirtbike in the house was just stupid, i see what hes saying but he brings dogs in from outside. its no bigie i guess i just need to clean the mess he thinks i made in the oven and not burn anymore shit ect and keep my shit inline. first i get reamed at home over the weekend from my parents now my land loard, what next? well guess what after our nice chat and i convince him i should stay i go check my phone, 15 missed calls from mom dad and sis. so i call back, landloard calls my name and says ur mom asked me to tell u to call her, im like um thanks. awk AWK!!!! so i call mom and im like i called dad. shes like when im like i did. head ache... and then i got probation officer meeting tomorrow! AT 2
OW my head hurts
i think i need to find a good way to relieve some of this stress, and maybe a car!

Back to the daily grind.

After coming back home (to Richmond) at the end of break, I'm thuper duper lost. During break, we made McDonald's runs, chilled with old friends, my parents found out about the suspended license, I got grounded allot, went snowboarding 3x, learned to snowboard, found a potential humidor, played allot of rock band, restored my Ross road bike, and found out that I cant go back to living with my parents. My grades were lower than expected, this next semester i need to vastly improve or else my parents will refuse to pay for school in Richmond, I will be forced to go home, which I could never do, I think I'd join the peace core or military.
I have stayed in my room since my parents have dropped me off for coming on 3 days. The part I'm confused about is that there is no reason to do so. I just dont feel myself, i want to tell someone about it but who, becca and i havent talked in a while, and i feel that our relationship is just me selfishly venting, and we have grown appart so i dont want to stress it more with my stupid problems. The Christmast present problem didnt help either i believe. Basicly she got me a bunch of personalized stuff and i got her general crap, which she has yet to recieve, due to the groundings i coudlent get them to her.
I came back to school without my car which sucks. I feel like such a fatass.