So I'm in bed almost dosing off when i remember when i was little in the evenings we would sometimes hangout in my parents room and watch national geographic specials. When it got late, being the youngest, I always fell asleep in their bed. My daddy would pick me up and tuck me in my bed. Sometimes I would fake being asleep just to get tucked in, thing is I'm certain my dad knew. I was never a very convincing liar.

I just looked through some papers on my desk and came across a court recepit for "und posess alc". I still get nervous thinking about it.

Its been a pretty usual day, recently they all seem to sum up to be boring, and crummy. Lastnight I had the idea of riding on main st until i found something intresting, about an hour later i was in williamsburg. On the way back 11 mi away on interstate 295 i overheat. pull over fill er up with water, and wait for it to cool. go to start it, no luck, im stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere. got towed to the house and then went to bed at 530 ish. got up at 8 ran a short errand took a short nap and went to class at 10 for like 5 min, then skipped out. Got car towed to the shop and updated later that my car has a blown headgasket, im like wtf!!!! I was really upset, ive tried really really really hard to make sure that this didnt happen, but guess it didnt work. : (
So now in order to get jenifer back on the road were talking about over 600 in repairs, and thats just for the headgasket. Not to mention the other problems im having them look at.

I feel crummy, hopeless and alone, but a part of me wants to be alone. Wants to stay alone, I've come to understand that opening up and letting everyone in leaves you volurnible to any and everything. People will let you down, its a fact of life! I can see this in myself, and even in my closest friends; Z is basicly cutting me off while she gets her shit together (id like to find a happy medium, not spending every min together, and not ignoring me for weeks at a time.) R is buisy with APO and school and life, it seems that all we talk about these days is like o wow were so lonely, we should get bf's/gf's, and that school is a bitch, and maybe snippets about the famalies, overall these talks are quite shamefull when i think about the ones we usted have, i guess we have changed. K, i was under the deliusion that she was the perfect girl, or perhaps woman. Well she may have many many desireible qualities, however she is far from perfect. The thing is im still so infatuated with her that even now seeing these pitfalls, I still want her.

Want is so general, phisically ya sure... But more importantly I want to get closer to her emotionally, I want her to open up and trust me, be able to confide in me. I realize that it would take a freeking miricle for our circumstance to change, and being friends may not be optimal but I prefer having this aweinspiring person in my life as opposed to not.

Guess I will continue on spending nights on hilltops pondering, and days in bed feeling like death.

: (