So its late and I'm cold and alone in the library, hiding from people, hiding from myself and from my thoughts. Per my last entry, I found that when a person is going day to day carrying over a sleep debt, this acts as a form of natural antidepressant. This is not hard at all for me since I love the benefits of caffeine! My meds are laced with some sort of stimulant, depression itself at core disrupts sleep cycles, and I'm in a phase where I have major difficulties in falling asleep. So it seems to be working as the perfect solution, I stay up late, which I would normally do anyway, stay productive, and wake up the next morning after a couple of hours of sleep and not be/ feel suicidal. Its comical in a sick(ning) sort of way for me to look back on me being suicidal, its not a happy thought, its a thought of horror and despair, looking for but finding no escape. Well I hope that I have found a coping method. The meds well I guess they do something because generally a few hours after I take them I begin to feel a little bit closer to the old me. I reaffirm the belief every day that I have chosen life and not death.
So there are down sides to this madness, well this lesser form of madness, when contrasted with my own personal feelings of phycosis before I crafted this idea. Well I have relearned a few undesirable traits from my childhood, constant forgetfulness, clumsiness, these can make college life difficult as there is allot riding on remembering things and keeping focused. I now put allot of energy into checking and double checking myself when driving, sitting in class taking notes, studying, and just in general. Nothing pointed out the need for more focus than when I realized I left my entire key chain in the door lock all night for anyone to break into the apartment or steal my car..... thank god everything is ok! I know that I will have to deal with constant unending and in cases unimmagineable weakness and tiredness, my immune system will suffer, I may become flaky mentally and even have phycotic episodes. I cannot stress enough that this is the lesser of the two evils, I do hope even when I get better that I always remember that bitter feeling of hopelessness, of being trapped and tortured by my own thought with no way out in sight, and how much I would never, ever, ever, want to go back!
I'm tearing up thinking of such things, but it shows that the worst enemy that one can have is one's self.
I don't know how long i will be able to follow my plan, to keep my demons at bey but I read an article in RLS this morning about a man that lived without sleep for 40 years. Hopefully i will get over what ever this is and be able to sleep and wake up refreshed, feeling good again. Feeling good, caffeine makes me feel so good, I feel alive, and while it may make my extremities go numb sometimes, and give me chills/ hot flashes, and make some appendages shake and tremble, I wouldn't give it up for the world because it makes me feel! It makes me feel like me, good, happy, energetic, willful, and even pulls out bits of my prior absolute confidence, the part that made me feel like I could walk on water, and float in air, infallable.
Feelings come rushing back and I welcome them graciously, but sadly they only last as long as the caffeine takes to wear off.
Ive been taking 200 mg a day, however its effects are wearing off in this late hour. I reflect on my demeanor and it has dropped from a smile, to one of no concerns, and finally rests at a look of disgust. That's how I feel when the drugs wear off, disgusting. I wrought and toil in foul thoughts of endless unbearable darkness. Wow that's such an emo sentence, its amazing that there are so many words in English that describe bad things, and negative things. Or words that have negative connotations.
Two things I'm looking into include the idea of codependency addiction, or people addiction, and the highs that can be achieved from asphyxiation. After looking into the latter I believe any high would come at too high of a cost, under my diminished condition due to the sleep loss, I need all brain synapses I can get to fire round the clock. Ill probably leave the library when it closes at 2. But until then I will explore the possibility of any exercises that I can undertake to expand, recover and create new connections in the brain, that would normally occur under restful normal sleep. Maybe toss in some assembly programing! I'm tinkering with the idea of dropping off some gifts to some residents of park ave, they've, no we've all had rough days today.