So its finally beginning to dawn on me that it didn't take a day to get to this point, these feelings or emotions what ever lead me to this point, depression, well its going to take more than one or two good days to fix, no mater how many pills i throw at it, it wont just step down or go away. its not something i can just suppress like a feeling, its deeper and more basic than that, its brain chemistry. I wanna say fuck u brain chemistry, i wanna be who i was before, i wanna feel good for no good reason, i want to be happy and lively, climb mountains and be social. you would think that this problem would have been affecting me allot earlier in my life, like when I was locked in holding, or when i got rejected from vcu the first time, or anytime at all there's more than enough shit in my past. Why now, when my life's getting good, I'm at the school i wanted to go to in the first place, i have the friends that i want to have, I have possessions that i couldn't dream of having. and still I'm not happy, so maybe the Beatles had it right when they say happiness is a warm gun, maybe death is the only certainty and maybe we can bet our stakes on it. So why not sooner than later, but i know that i wouldn't end mine that way, Cody Thompson comes to mine, a great guy. I wonder what drove him over the edge, was it the things he saw in Iraq, his relationships with people, or maybe it was just that he'd had enough, how does one know when they have had enough. When your trapped with no way out, that's one time that people know, how do i know when its my time to cut out. Its really crummy how (and Ive just lost focus, another symptom)!

Its quite amazing how much people take for granted, the simple joys in life. things that used to make me happy now are mediocre. I used to revel in joy and feeling's about how great I am and all that i have accomplished, now i couldn't care weather i live live or die.I look around at all of theses students so entrenched in their lives busy talking about classes, food, parties, work.... but none of it really matters in the grand scheme, 20 years from now looking back are you going to remember these things, or what you wear, or even how your car drove. I dunno where this level of thinking is at, is it higher than before, or have i immersed myself in it so much that it is actually lower.

I think what effects depression will have on my life, there is no doubt that it will somehow shape it and mold it into what, maybe i will come out better, maybe worse! But then again maybe there is no consequence, because i am depressed and there is no changing of fact. We live in a cause and effect world, i cant help but think of what caused this, how did i get here, and to a certain extent why me.

I'm rolling around (in my head) in a pile or self pity, is this what i need, is this what i want, websites tell me that i do, i feel on some level its helpful, but I'm loosing so much time and productivity when i could be grabbing life by the horns. Then it hits me o wait I'm still in bed and don't have the drive to actually do anything. Its a sad sad reality.