Woke up feeling like crap, so then took a shower and felt even worse. Its amazing how the mind can wonder when it has nothing to occupy it. I then realized that I'm trapped, I am trapped and the only way out is to get better. I will get better, I need to get better. It came down to decision time and I needed to choose weather I wanted to live or die. I felt like I want to die, I feel like I want to die. I feel as though life has nothing more in store for me but this stationary monotonous existence. I chose that I need to persevere through this. At times it feels like living hell, I have no energy, no motivation, i feel hollowed and numb on the inside. I will continue, not for myself, I care not weather I live or die, but I continue on for my friends, for my family, and for the itty bitty glimmer of hope that I sometimes feel that oneday I might get better. After I took the medication I began to feel more normal, but thinking back this is so so so far from real normal, from the old me. These days im on edge all of the time. Sleep is torture as it does not come, I lay there waiting for the restfull experiance I once knew that would grip me and take me to a better place. If and when it does come I generally wake up the next day feeling dead. I looked forward to death as the only escape in sight. But then the medication kicks in and I feel like maybe I can struggle on maybe for another day, I function just barely. So then afternoon comes arround and the stimulants start wearing off. I loose all energy and movitation. So I maybe decide to take another, knowing that if I do I cant sleep that night. Or maybe a caffine pill, but that includes a whole new boat of problem, my body goes numb, i get jittery and am compeled to move constantly, like now in accounting I cant sit still. I feel like i may explode at any minute. Its so crazy!