Sep 28

SO lastnight I basicly had a nervous breakdown of sorts. I got back from farmville and felt tired. Then i Schaefed with Simon which worked out rather well. we had fun chilling then ryan cox showed up. We decided to study for a bit. After the library closed i started feeling really bad. I just drove and drove for hours. I just drove and listened to the fray. I felt god awful, i felt compelled to hurt myself. I felt that somehow it would release me from this feeble existence. I would never extinugh myself. Even though i was having these thoughts i know that's just the depression talking. I eventually pulled over and cried, it was sad. I felt alone, I was alone. I txted pple but no one responded. I was slightly hurt, these are people that I have comforted in times of weakness, and cared for, and people who I care about. But when I feel like knifing myself, no one. No one. So wallowing in my own patheticness, It began to look like an option. and thats when i needed to tell someone. I duno why, to acknowlege that this was real and not some sick twisted dream. Its funny my life feels like it could totally be a dream. Im so apethetic when it comes to responsibilities these days. nothing matters. Well so I told becca, her advice was that i needed to go see someone, ya cause that would definitely fix it. Talking is useless. How is talking going to undo all of the damages that have been caused by this shitty depression. It seems like a pointless waste of time.
So ya that was that, im currently embracing emo music, it makes me feel better, like i can connect to some pple. But i guess i always liked it. I want some really strong drugs, the kind that are so powerful I wont wake up for days, and need to be injected intravenously!!!

So today I'm in Farmville visiting my best friend ever Becca. Shes so freaking understanding and awesome!!!! Its a little awkward cause for a while i was basically in love with this girl but slowly but surely i got over it. She well, i really wish she could see herself from my shoes. Shes like the best, nicest, shes hot (and don't know it), shes down to earth, knows when to pick her fights. She really cares, and while she values her sleep above many others, she always leaves time for me and all of my late night woes.

So ya I'm tired but i am getting really frustrated because i am tired, i want to sleep but for the past few nights i cant sleep. I do nab a few hours, but waiting for it to come is torture. Like sleep is supposed to be like this natural human necessity and i know i rep being unique and different and weird, but I'm totally alone on this front. My body wants sleep, i need it, but for the life of me i cant get it. I just lay there for hours on end. I use to find sleep to be a quiet dreamy refuge from the harshities of the world, but its not anymore, its just sleep, its nothing, I wake up frazzled feeling worse than I did before. I feel worse than the nights that I get no sleep at all. Ive also noticed that well I'm kinda a little bit different. During the day I'm awake, I'm alive and functional. But its at night when I can really open up and be myself. Its an interesting phenomenon. I have not been so super concerned about it until this afternoon after wallmart, I was such a downer, i was really down, i just wanted to be left alone, to my thoughts. But after saying it out loud i realized that i wanted to be around Becca more so. I hadn't seen her for a legit long time, since the summer, and any time with Becca is a world better than no time at all, so i realized that i had to stay and make it work, even if i felt like stale shit. Specially since i don't know the next time i will get to see Becca in person. Talking over the phones good. Its OK, but face to face, I'm SO Happy right now, u don't even know, shes sleeping but i know that shes here and it makes my life better somehow. Maybe these are left over feelings from b4 but i think not, I'm over her, i was over her a long time ago and this this is what friendship feels like. I'm just reeling in the throngs of this super awesome friendship!!! : ) I could totally hug her right now, but shes sleeping and that could be kinda creeps.

Ne ways I'm super excited about this device called zipit. Its like this toy that I'm trying to put Linux on. And maybe i can even emulate xp? i dunno still working it out. I'm am on a hunt for the stupid mini sd adapter. I cant find it anywhere. Its really sad : ( omg and i need to get my tuition situation sorted out like 3 days ago. And get money into my acct to pay my credit card bill. I think i may have over drafted, like maybe 34 bucks, and then they would have hit me with a 39 dollar fee, so now i need to deposit 170 ish to come out even after my credit card bill. : ( good luck with that. Specially since my bank is only in nova so i gotta get my mom to do it since I'm not driving 90 miles home to pay da bills. And now that's kinda sad cause I hit the car and that's like 600 plus this 200 and I'm so freaking expensive. : (

Today has been decent, I woke up had some : ( thoughts, but nothing overkill. Just normal like actually normal. My shower was quite rejuvenating, and then I realized that it was crunch-time and I needed to get to class or else I would miss the first quiz for info systems. I saw an old friend when I got out of class, and I got a parking spot behind the library. I feel normal, I feel like me and I'm tired and haven't eaten anything substantial in like a few days but I'm great!!!! I even forgot to take my meds until just now, something unheard of before since it was one of the only things that would kick my mood enough to get me out of the house. Maybe this whole depression spell is over and I can finally get back to enjoying my life, my outlook is positive! However this does not mean that I'm going to do anything to change it, I fear that any changes I make to my routine may jeopardise my happiness. There is no way in hell that I would even consider that!!!!!! So maybe I'm back for good, I sure hope so.

So its late and I'm cold and alone in the library, hiding from people, hiding from myself and from my thoughts. Per my last entry, I found that when a person is going day to day carrying over a sleep debt, this acts as a form of natural antidepressant. This is not hard at all for me since I love the benefits of caffeine! My meds are laced with some sort of stimulant, depression itself at core disrupts sleep cycles, and I'm in a phase where I have major difficulties in falling asleep. So it seems to be working as the perfect solution, I stay up late, which I would normally do anyway, stay productive, and wake up the next morning after a couple of hours of sleep and not be/ feel suicidal. Its comical in a sick(ning) sort of way for me to look back on me being suicidal, its not a happy thought, its a thought of horror and despair, looking for but finding no escape. Well I hope that I have found a coping method. The meds well I guess they do something because generally a few hours after I take them I begin to feel a little bit closer to the old me. I reaffirm the belief every day that I have chosen life and not death.
So there are down sides to this madness, well this lesser form of madness, when contrasted with my own personal feelings of phycosis before I crafted this idea. Well I have relearned a few undesirable traits from my childhood, constant forgetfulness, clumsiness, these can make college life difficult as there is allot riding on remembering things and keeping focused. I now put allot of energy into checking and double checking myself when driving, sitting in class taking notes, studying, and just in general. Nothing pointed out the need for more focus than when I realized I left my entire key chain in the door lock all night for anyone to break into the apartment or steal my car..... thank god everything is ok! I know that I will have to deal with constant unending and in cases unimmagineable weakness and tiredness, my immune system will suffer, I may become flaky mentally and even have phycotic episodes. I cannot stress enough that this is the lesser of the two evils, I do hope even when I get better that I always remember that bitter feeling of hopelessness, of being trapped and tortured by my own thought with no way out in sight, and how much I would never, ever, ever, want to go back!
I'm tearing up thinking of such things, but it shows that the worst enemy that one can have is one's self.
I don't know how long i will be able to follow my plan, to keep my demons at bey but I read an article in RLS this morning about a man that lived without sleep for 40 years. Hopefully i will get over what ever this is and be able to sleep and wake up refreshed, feeling good again. Feeling good, caffeine makes me feel so good, I feel alive, and while it may make my extremities go numb sometimes, and give me chills/ hot flashes, and make some appendages shake and tremble, I wouldn't give it up for the world because it makes me feel! It makes me feel like me, good, happy, energetic, willful, and even pulls out bits of my prior absolute confidence, the part that made me feel like I could walk on water, and float in air, infallable.
Feelings come rushing back and I welcome them graciously, but sadly they only last as long as the caffeine takes to wear off.
Ive been taking 200 mg a day, however its effects are wearing off in this late hour. I reflect on my demeanor and it has dropped from a smile, to one of no concerns, and finally rests at a look of disgust. That's how I feel when the drugs wear off, disgusting. I wrought and toil in foul thoughts of endless unbearable darkness. Wow that's such an emo sentence, its amazing that there are so many words in English that describe bad things, and negative things. Or words that have negative connotations.
Two things I'm looking into include the idea of codependency addiction, or people addiction, and the highs that can be achieved from asphyxiation. After looking into the latter I believe any high would come at too high of a cost, under my diminished condition due to the sleep loss, I need all brain synapses I can get to fire round the clock. Ill probably leave the library when it closes at 2. But until then I will explore the possibility of any exercises that I can undertake to expand, recover and create new connections in the brain, that would normally occur under restful normal sleep. Maybe toss in some assembly programing! I'm tinkering with the idea of dropping off some gifts to some residents of park ave, they've, no we've all had rough days today.

Woke up feeling like crap, so then took a shower and felt even worse. Its amazing how the mind can wonder when it has nothing to occupy it. I then realized that I'm trapped, I am trapped and the only way out is to get better. I will get better, I need to get better. It came down to decision time and I needed to choose weather I wanted to live or die. I felt like I want to die, I feel like I want to die. I feel as though life has nothing more in store for me but this stationary monotonous existence. I chose that I need to persevere through this. At times it feels like living hell, I have no energy, no motivation, i feel hollowed and numb on the inside. I will continue, not for myself, I care not weather I live or die, but I continue on for my friends, for my family, and for the itty bitty glimmer of hope that I sometimes feel that oneday I might get better. After I took the medication I began to feel more normal, but thinking back this is so so so far from real normal, from the old me. These days im on edge all of the time. Sleep is torture as it does not come, I lay there waiting for the restfull experiance I once knew that would grip me and take me to a better place. If and when it does come I generally wake up the next day feeling dead. I looked forward to death as the only escape in sight. But then the medication kicks in and I feel like maybe I can struggle on maybe for another day, I function just barely. So then afternoon comes arround and the stimulants start wearing off. I loose all energy and movitation. So I maybe decide to take another, knowing that if I do I cant sleep that night. Or maybe a caffine pill, but that includes a whole new boat of problem, my body goes numb, i get jittery and am compeled to move constantly, like now in accounting I cant sit still. I feel like i may explode at any minute. Its so crazy!

So its finally beginning to dawn on me that it didn't take a day to get to this point, these feelings or emotions what ever lead me to this point, depression, well its going to take more than one or two good days to fix, no mater how many pills i throw at it, it wont just step down or go away. its not something i can just suppress like a feeling, its deeper and more basic than that, its brain chemistry. I wanna say fuck u brain chemistry, i wanna be who i was before, i wanna feel good for no good reason, i want to be happy and lively, climb mountains and be social. you would think that this problem would have been affecting me allot earlier in my life, like when I was locked in holding, or when i got rejected from vcu the first time, or anytime at all there's more than enough shit in my past. Why now, when my life's getting good, I'm at the school i wanted to go to in the first place, i have the friends that i want to have, I have possessions that i couldn't dream of having. and still I'm not happy, so maybe the Beatles had it right when they say happiness is a warm gun, maybe death is the only certainty and maybe we can bet our stakes on it. So why not sooner than later, but i know that i wouldn't end mine that way, Cody Thompson comes to mine, a great guy. I wonder what drove him over the edge, was it the things he saw in Iraq, his relationships with people, or maybe it was just that he'd had enough, how does one know when they have had enough. When your trapped with no way out, that's one time that people know, how do i know when its my time to cut out. Its really crummy how (and Ive just lost focus, another symptom)!

Its quite amazing how much people take for granted, the simple joys in life. things that used to make me happy now are mediocre. I used to revel in joy and feeling's about how great I am and all that i have accomplished, now i couldn't care weather i live live or die.I look around at all of theses students so entrenched in their lives busy talking about classes, food, parties, work.... but none of it really matters in the grand scheme, 20 years from now looking back are you going to remember these things, or what you wear, or even how your car drove. I dunno where this level of thinking is at, is it higher than before, or have i immersed myself in it so much that it is actually lower.

I think what effects depression will have on my life, there is no doubt that it will somehow shape it and mold it into what, maybe i will come out better, maybe worse! But then again maybe there is no consequence, because i am depressed and there is no changing of fact. We live in a cause and effect world, i cant help but think of what caused this, how did i get here, and to a certain extent why me.

I'm rolling around (in my head) in a pile or self pity, is this what i need, is this what i want, websites tell me that i do, i feel on some level its helpful, but I'm loosing so much time and productivity when i could be grabbing life by the horns. Then it hits me o wait I'm still in bed and don't have the drive to actually do anything. Its a sad sad reality.

and the saga continues

So what hasn't happened......

OK so my entire summer pretty much composed of me constantly fighting with my parents about stupid things. when this wasn't occurring i was at work, i made so so so many mistakes it is not going to be surprising to me if my boss doesn't ask me to come back. I knew i was not myself over the summer and i thought it was because i was upset about how things had ended with Karen..... poorly to say the least. Shes just not interested and i am. Rejection sucks!!! o then another Revelation in my life,,, so apparently I'm clinically depressed, wtf right! i mean i was really really sad over the summer, numb... etc but i never thought depression was the cause. Well now I'm taking wellburtin SR, it seems to have some good effect, Sept the part where i don't sleep. and the headaches.
Yesterday i had my first happy day in a long time. Went over to toms place and had a few drinks, IE half a bottle of wine and 2 beers. there all good guys and great friends but I'm really absorbed in feeling sorry for myself its kinda like i dunno if i need to tell others, I'm doing a pretty good job at comforting myself. Its funny about how getting the news that Ur depressed is actually more depressing than not. So lately in social gatherings i feel isolated and away from the group, detached. Tonite we stayed at z's place, we talked about all sorts of things love, life, the meanings and our experiences. its really great to be able to open up to someone like that. I just really wish if i could find someone to open up too like that who was all of the things that I'm looking for. Karen is so freaking amazing. she is a real catch of a lifetime...... whom ever she does decide to be with, well that will be one lucky guy!
And this idea of being friends, since she doesn't think we have what it takes to be be any more. well i don't really see how this is going to work if she is so closed off, she remains the same way no matter how much time we spend together. Z says that i have already broken thought allot more barriers than any other guy she knows which appears to be an accomplishments in itself. I wish i really wish that there was some way that this could workout, i dunno how but it feels like i have really deep emotions for this girl. I just cant get over the facts that shes like so freaking perfect, get this : shes full of adventure, she is performance driven , goal oriented and not to mention has a flair for style and living life how its meant to be lived. but I'm just wasting my time.... SHE IS NOT INTO ME! OK now that i have reminded my self of this i shall go to rest.