Becca

Becca, i dont want to end things between us, i never wanted it to end. I still love you very much, I just need to take myself back to basics, so i can get back on the right track. I need to do this to ensure that if youre still intrested... in the future I will be able to provide the life that I think we both want to lead. Where we dont have to worry like I do now week to week, and month to month about money and bills, where we can travel and have nice things, where we can focus on loving each other for the rest of our lives. I know this break hurts us, but if i can get my act together and come out with the degree, I think ill have a fighthing chance of winning you back. Ill try to make good on my word a day at a time, and then pray that you wont hate me still. Rebecca I love you.

Shit storms a' commin

Lately I've been feeling down in the dumps, today I was so depressed thoughts of ending it lingered. I wish I had a way to get the space i wanted, from school and every thing, I want to build experiment, to write my blog and pursue my business, to figure out why I'm depressed. I want to ask my doc to put me back on meds, but I don't know. I'm worried about upsetting Becca, I want to be in control of how I feel but something is putting me out of touch with myself. I think it may have allot to do with my in ability to find a job, and school. But i think i should be able to handle that right! I don't know. Becca said it could be seasonal depression, and that makes sense, because the last time it set on right about now in the fall. I try putting this out of my mind because I do not want believe it and make it true in my mind. I already feel a little bit better, maybe I need to continue to vent, I used to vent to Becca but since shes so busy with school she doesn't have time to talk about fun stuff, much less serious I think I'm depressed stuff. She says "I don't think you're depressed, don't overreact" But I feel like I might be. No If I think like that it will make it true. I am not depressed, just sad, down on my luck, I have so much good in my life. Up till 2 weeks ago I was doing well in school, I have a loving family, one that is supporting me financially while I am looking for work. I have a great girlfriend, I have resources and friends. Most importantly I am me, one of the most creative and strange people I've ever encountered.

I have a problem that I need to get under control, today all I did was watch TV, fix a computer and jack off. I need to make changes and get it under control.

Its been too LONG

Its been roughly a year and six months since Ive posted on this blog. I wish I did a better job of keeping up with it.
After my post I sorta got my shit together. The every semester I did better and better. Fall 2009 I spent allot of time hanging out with Patrick and Liz, I smoked allot and frequented Wendy's like erry day. Rebecca and I got very close in our friendship. I did allot of snowboarding and when I would she let me stop by and sometimes stay the night. I was trying hard to get my life moving in the right direction, looking for a job, and trying hard in school. Over winter break we hung-out almost everyday. There was one night where I was dropping her off home, and we were outside her house in my car, there were almost literally sparks in the air. She said she better get going, we stayed in the car for another 45min. That night she called me and told me she felt like she might have feelings for me. I was cautious at first, but this had been what i had always wanted. The next morning I called her back and told her that its on. We went to our first (awkward) date at the cheesecake factory. We both had a great time. Shortly after my winter intersession class started, I studied hard and long, writing love notes to Becca in between sessions. One day i drove to class, right after getting off the highway the car cut out. I suspected that the issue was a low idle in bitter cold winter. I started it back up again but it cut out as i was pulling into a parking spot. It turned out my dad had not kept up on his oil-changes, and i was unaware. The oil pump got clogged, causing the engine to be starved of oil, and then seize. This mishap prompted my family to buy a new car VW Jetta, while my dad's car (Toyota matrix) was being repaired. All the while my car (318ti) sat in the back driveway at my parents house. New Years was the first time I saw Rebecca highly attracted to me.
Upon coming back to school in the spring of 2010, sometime in January I stopped taking my meds, cause I was feeling better. The semester went on, i began to hang out with more of my Indian friends. That summer I wanted to stay in Richmond but my parents insisted I go home at least for a little while, I worked at Ameriprise and picked up golfing . My family ended up buying us a house in Richmond. Upon coming back to Richmond I was feverish to get a job. I started at BHC that August. I got a job in the telecommunication field. They sent me out to WV for training for 3 days. That November I ended up getting a speeding ticket on my way to work. I spent that semester shuttling from Richmond to Norfolk to Wiliamsburg and back for work. That winter break I went back to WV to help with a microwave site. I turned 21 on a mountain in the boonies of WV, and I can safely say I liked it. Spring 2011 Things were going well with becca, until i started hanging out with a new group of friends, david, perry, tyler, and becca 2. At first i smoked up with them every day. I began seeing the problems of a long distance relationship. seeing becca's dislike towards smoking of any kind and her judgement upon me when i would party weekend after weekend. I loved her, but i needed a break, some time away to clear my head. I asked her nicely, and she got pissed and blew up in my face, I said i would try harder to get over it and make it work. The next week I still felt the exact same way. I brought it up again. at first she was pissed. She called me back later and told me if this is what i needed she would give it to me. She then started putting conditions on our separation. I got mad, and said if she cant do it its over, it was stupid cause i still loved her, i just wanted time to get my hazy head cleared

So i talked to Jen and she basically said the only way i was going to get over Karen is to just suck it up and stop thinking about her, i need to be better, so im going to actively try. I tried over the summer but obviously was not successful. I just need to redirect those emotions. I have friends that deserve and could make use of the attention that i give to Karen; she doesn't even want it or need it. So im not in love with her. I am a friend and a friend only, i have no long term feelings, I am over her all the way. In fact im so over her i don't even remember, who, no what is a Karen?
See im done, im replacing the amazing times i had last semester with the ones happening this semester.
Like hanging out with sal, or chillin with uji, playing with Tuesdays cats. It has been a really fun semester. I went snowboarding like 4 times or so so far. I may not be doing so hot in school, but I am clinically depressed and im learning how to cope and deal with it on a daily basis. I am going through a rough patch, and it will get better. I may not and most of the time don't see it getting any better, but people tell me it will. R tells me it does, I really do trust her, hoping its not left over feelings of trust from b4.
I really miss my car, it sounds stupid, but i love my car, i don't care what it takes im going to rebuild the engine, and keep her.
But its ok i have a pretty ok car! Im still alive from the maneuver that got her in the shop to begin with. Im lucky for that, that was scaaaaary!!!! we could have totally been tboned like 6 ways, literally. If we were 60 seconds later we may not be here, I feel worse about endangering someone else's life, i have no problem risking my own neck but i have no right to do so to another!! Well thats in the past and ill stay there. So im here now, finals week, just chillin. feelin arite. cool as a cucumber.

Message to CT

Message To CT:
"

getting caught up in all this monotony, its dragging me down. THese mood swings are killing me, and I feel as though this is the "awesome" future i have to look frwd to. on the inside i want to part of it. Truthfully i duno what i waant. i see my goals and ambitions there, but cant seem to make everything click into place.

One day ill be ready to take on the world and then next i feel as though im getting steamrolled by my life, flattening under the weight. Yesterday was terific, i was happy, i felt strong healthy and i was even dancing arround the appt. I worked on my computer that has needed some repairs badly for a longtime, and tied up loose ends all over my life.
Today i couldent get out of bed for my 2pm class, just layed there. I did eventually get up thinking all the while, no, wishing that i could just sleep and never have to get up to go to class, to eat, to do anything, no commitments, just pure raw relaxation, no plans, cares or worries. Ive trained myself to act like i dont give a shit. on the inside i do, i really do. I care too much and get too involved in other pples shit for my own good, sidebar, maybe i should have been "too involved" in your life last year, or... i duno where im going with that thought.

I know your in a better place now, away from all of these stupid worldly concerns. Sadly the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps I should join you, dr tells me its the chemical imbalance, i duno, death has always been a very curiously interesting topic for me. I duno how i feel about it in general, it brings sadness however is neutral itself. Well Cody Thompson, hats off to u for making a choice, I love u, and being far from you brings great sadness at times. But we will all go at sometime, just wish i had more with u. There is so much more we could have done, fun we could have had, wild adventures we could have embarked on, I guess we still can, metaphysically speaking.
good bye cody.

"

So since Monday, things are getting better. I feel OK about the car situation, comfortable with my financial situation, and dark thoughts have been repelled to the outskirts of my mind. I just recalled in class that Ive never really told anyone until recently, Z and I were talking about death. I mentioned that when I die I want to be cremated, after organs have been harvested. Then maybe released somewhere, a cool place like a lake, river, waterfall, space, mountain, field. Just somewhere cool.

So I'm in bed almost dosing off when i remember when i was little in the evenings we would sometimes hangout in my parents room and watch national geographic specials. When it got late, being the youngest, I always fell asleep in their bed. My daddy would pick me up and tuck me in my bed. Sometimes I would fake being asleep just to get tucked in, thing is I'm certain my dad knew. I was never a very convincing liar.

I just looked through some papers on my desk and came across a court recepit for "und posess alc". I still get nervous thinking about it.

Its been a pretty usual day, recently they all seem to sum up to be boring, and crummy. Lastnight I had the idea of riding on main st until i found something intresting, about an hour later i was in williamsburg. On the way back 11 mi away on interstate 295 i overheat. pull over fill er up with water, and wait for it to cool. go to start it, no luck, im stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere. got towed to the house and then went to bed at 530 ish. got up at 8 ran a short errand took a short nap and went to class at 10 for like 5 min, then skipped out. Got car towed to the shop and updated later that my car has a blown headgasket, im like wtf!!!! I was really upset, ive tried really really really hard to make sure that this didnt happen, but guess it didnt work. : (
So now in order to get jenifer back on the road were talking about over 600 in repairs, and thats just for the headgasket. Not to mention the other problems im having them look at.

I feel crummy, hopeless and alone, but a part of me wants to be alone. Wants to stay alone, I've come to understand that opening up and letting everyone in leaves you volurnible to any and everything. People will let you down, its a fact of life! I can see this in myself, and even in my closest friends; Z is basicly cutting me off while she gets her shit together (id like to find a happy medium, not spending every min together, and not ignoring me for weeks at a time.) R is buisy with APO and school and life, it seems that all we talk about these days is like o wow were so lonely, we should get bf's/gf's, and that school is a bitch, and maybe snippets about the famalies, overall these talks are quite shamefull when i think about the ones we usted have, i guess we have changed. K, i was under the deliusion that she was the perfect girl, or perhaps woman. Well she may have many many desireible qualities, however she is far from perfect. The thing is im still so infatuated with her that even now seeing these pitfalls, I still want her.

Want is so general, phisically ya sure... But more importantly I want to get closer to her emotionally, I want her to open up and trust me, be able to confide in me. I realize that it would take a freeking miricle for our circumstance to change, and being friends may not be optimal but I prefer having this aweinspiring person in my life as opposed to not.

Guess I will continue on spending nights on hilltops pondering, and days in bed feeling like death.

: (