Lately I've been feeling down in the dumps, today I was so depressed thoughts of ending it lingered. I wish I had a way to get the space i wanted, from school and every thing, I want to build experiment, to write my blog and pursue my business, to figure out why I'm depressed. I want to ask my doc to put me back on meds, but I don't know. I'm worried about upsetting Becca, I want to be in control of how I feel but something is putting me out of touch with myself. I think it may have allot to do with my in ability to find a job, and school. But i think i should be able to handle that right! I don't know. Becca said it could be seasonal depression, and that makes sense, because the last time it set on right about now in the fall. I try putting this out of my mind because I do not want believe it and make it true in my mind. I already feel a little bit better, maybe I need to continue to vent, I used to vent to Becca but since shes so busy with school she doesn't have time to talk about fun stuff, much less serious I think I'm depressed stuff. She says "I don't think you're depressed, don't overreact" But I feel like I might be. No If I think like that it will make it true. I am not depressed, just sad, down on my luck, I have so much good in my life. Up till 2 weeks ago I was doing well in school, I have a loving family, one that is supporting me financially while I am looking for work. I have a great girlfriend, I have resources and friends. Most importantly I am me, one of the most creative and strange people I've ever encountered.
I have a problem that I need to get under control, today all I did was watch TV, fix a computer and jack off. I need to make changes and get it under control.
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