First Post- Trying to sort my head out!

Ey,
So today I went to court for the stupid underage alcohol charge and pleaded guilty, after much consideration I thought the plea would be the best since it was the truth. Turns out I was wrong; I honestly have the luck of a broken mirror under a ladder, with a black cat on the top. So I was held up in court and in the holding cell and in the clerical office for a total of 5 hours, fuck the city of Richmond. I’m really embarrassed because now I have to go to traffic court about the other ticket I got wreckless 84 in a 65, especially since my license is suspended. I need to go to the dmv and change my address because they will prob send paper work to my parents which would be really bad, ill do that later. But back to the sentencing, so basically I am getting raped by my life; License is suspended for 6 mo, except for going to class. I have to do 50 hrs community service, I got fingerprinted and have a criminal record, and I have to report to a parole officer and do routine urine testing, life is so good to me. On top of this because court took so long I realized there was no way I could make it to Cody t. funeral, its just too sad. Especially because I promised Caroline id be there, mostly for her, because she’s like one of my best friends ever and I know she’s or was not doing so hot. I’m still upset sad mad ECT. But evbdy seems to be almost moving on; maybe I should do the same but its like so surreal feeling. Cody was strong and levelheaded, ill just say our friendship really meant allot to me. But I missed the only time that I could like pay my respects before the burial. I am really glad to hear that Caroline and Chris are friends again. I’ve been working to get their friendship back together. Apparently they met up at the funeral and hit it off.
Yesterday I was really stressed so I took a relaxing bath, scented candles, the hot water, warm glow of the light bouncing off the tile, the fray playing from my laptop, really relaxing until it played some songs I didn’t want to hear so I pressed the next button but I guess I got water all over the keyboard because the enter wasn’t working neither is assorted other keys.
I had to call my parent and tell them I wasn’t going to come home, they understood, but I guess the whole thing brought us closer together. They still haven’t figured out the reason I went to the er, but that’s behind me now. I got hit by a car while skating a while back, so that’s actually the truth 2, so it’s only like a half lie. But my parents really do have the best intentions, and I’m acting like a spoiled brat/ douche bag. I’ve been so so so emotional today, after arriving home I sat in the car for like 45 min just thinking about things; it was really dark, things like maybe Cody was on to something with his "actions". But then I realized the problems that that would cause. I’m like over that but I know I’m kind of a drama queen and I just need to chill my dick. I’m really excited to go home, but I need to ace my finals first, I’m for real kind of worried about how I’m going to do.

In my English class there was a girl, the most amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, she was just so awesome. But I haven’t seen her for a long time like 2-3 classes which is actually long cause we only meet 1ce per week. Well I don’t know if I’m going to see her again or if she will remember me, I totally want to get some coffee with her. I don’t know why I like her so much, but she is so cool, we met in class, like I couldn’t connect to the wifi and she like explained to me how to do it, turns out the ip version 5 protocol files were damaged so I needed a os reinstall, but I first noticed her when she pulled out the same Mac that I have, I love Mac books. So I saw juno and loved it so so much! The sound track just started playing in tunes. Her name is Anne, and she works at a restaurant/ bar downtown, she long boards (totally awesome), and has a V-dub that she works on occasionally (she appreciates German engineering). She has a strong sense of like environmental awareness, which I find totally attractive. She’s got the cutest face, blonde hair and horn-rimmed Esq. glasses; she is kind of a scene girl, which I find 2 hot. Ya so I think it are sadly safe to say that I barely know her but already like her way more than I should.

Becca and I have been talking allot lately and I have though again if I do have feelings for her. But I really don’t know, I mean if I did I think I should know it. This is complicated further because I did have feeling for her and I told her, but she’s like my best friend, and does not share the same feelings. This was really seriously further complicated when she made out with one of my new friends, ON MY BED!!! But I got over that. Today she acted really differently on the phone, I facebooked her like that I cherish our friendship and I wanted her to know I love her, cause I do, but not like romantically. Well I checked back and she deleted it so I guess she took it the wrong way. I confronted her about if she thought I still had feelings for her and assured her I did not, we are friends nothing more. But this in it self is weird for me because I don’t know. I say that but I duno if I really mean it, I cant tell her the truth because it would wreck out friendship and I cant do that. It would honestly hurt her and me too much for the good it would do. I mean I’m interested in other girls so that’s got to mean something, right? Well I really miss her, in a similar way that I miss my friends back home, and at other schools. We said we'd go to Longwood on Sunday to see her n stuff. But my friend rob actually can't make it anymore so either it will be me and tom, a guy who doesn’t know Becca too well that go up, or I could go by myself, or don’t go at all. The reason tom might not want to go is because there may be drama between one of Becca's sweet mates and tom. I don’t think I can go by myself because that would make it look like weird. Her sweet mates think I like her romantically, but I feel like were just really really really good friends. I mean for Christ sake i've told her stuff no one else knows, id trust her with my life. I really want to see her, but I don’t want to come off as a stalker weirdo creep. But then again she’s basically told me that she doesn’t care if her roommates give her shit because were talking all of the time, and spend so much time together. She says that like as long as were cool with it it’s no problem. Becca is most deff the best female friend I’ve ever had!

Recently I feel really like I duno lonely which I try to hide from others but its kind of obvious if u look at my facebook, thers allot of activity, more than usual. It hasn’t helped that today I was an emotional wreck, Becca called me like 3 time to check in, and I called back like 2 more times, I try for the most part to hide things but she just knows me too well. She totally knows when I’m lying about things. I just feel that she knows me better than anybody else, which is why I can’t fuck up our friendship. Recently she’s been really stressed out lately, which I don’t know how to help defuse. The way I usually deal with people who are stressed out is to like talk it out maybe a hug or light back massage. But Becca is totally closed off over the phone, I am happy because tonight I herd the old Becca, she went to a school winter dance and said it relieved some stress, as soon as I spoke to her I noticed she sounded different.

Recently I’ve been having problems keeping or getting "it" into my pants, but it seems as that has mostly resolved it self. It was so bad cause after a while it actually hurt, like being up all the time. Awk I know.

I kind of wana get drunk with some friends, and go to a dance party or concert. I feel so dirty, I am clean and everything but like in the words of sylar I feel like "damaged goods", but honestly the only thing that is making me feel this way is the fact that today I got treated as a criminal, all I did was drink a few tiny glasses of fermented grain juice. It’s honestly the most bullshit law ever. I will be 21 in like basically 2 years and 22 days, that’s nothing, I should have gotten a lesser sentence but I digress.

People tell me it is no big deal and part of me tells me this is true but part of me tells me it is a disgrace to like me and my name and my record. I thought id get a warning or something, guess not. I really love the beach; maybe if I don’t go to Becca' s I’ll take some alone time off n go to the beach. I mean y not, its peaceful, safe, fun, if I did go id want to take a good camera but I don’t have the money to buy one, I want a cannon rebel so bad! Its so super cool, I just saw some amazing pictures a while ago and was like I wana do that.
I’m such a music whore, I couldn’t live without music.
I just love it so much, the way different songs can make u feel. The different genres and the power of it all. It’s astounding.

ON occasion I skate, I love the feeling of riding on the board, like its part of me ect, pple give me shit about it all the time but its a part of me, my mom basically insisted that I stop but I told her I can say I would but that would be a lie, I cant stop skating. I have a few boards now; 1 stiff deck with reds and orangutan’s, gull wing double king pin trucks. On my vanguard deck I’ve got idny trucks, reds, sector 9 purples. On my habitat board I’ve got frontage trucks, cored wheels and abec7's. Finally on my last deck (: my tribute to bam mergera and Him) I got tattoo trucks, reds and jellly wheels, also Him/ Bam grip tape. I love Him their music touches me inside. I have to say the only bands that really do this for me are like him, the killers, jimmy eat word, metro station, and boy kill boy.

I’m thinking of taking out some serious alone time for myself to figure out all of the stuff that’s going on in my head. On paper it seems so simple but up here it isn’t. I can’t rationalize the ways that I feel so easy, I feel cold and numb but winter is not the reason, its numb from inside. Its like seem to have lost enjoyment, i'm like a junkie looking for the next time I get a shot of happy, its there for a short while, then disappears. I don’t know if this is normal, I don’t wana be a drama queen, but I am so conflicted whether there’s something wrong or not. Maybe ill tell the doc when I go to get my ADD checked out.
There’s a part of me that says i'm wasting time here and I could be doing more else where, I just don’t know where and doing what. My current situation is not fulfilling it is a hole to me a void of nothingness. I’m not trying to come off as emo or depressed but this is how I’m trying to get it out of my system by writing. I love writing; I can be so simplistic and/or so powerful, it’s really spectacular.

I look to my parents who I love, and think; with all that they do can they really draw pleasure and purpose in the methodicalness and repetitively that happens, same 9-5 job every day, and the turns in the market. How can one ever be happy with this, it would drive me crazy.

The killers are right I know first hand "sleep, its such a bitter form of refuge." Day and age is a really good album. I’ve been sleeping loads lately cause nothing else makes me feel better, even when I’m around other people I feel like there’s a barrier, a wall.
Untill next time,
B.C.