Rents dont stop calling

So the parents called again and i realize I'm actually scared, not about the court case so much, but about my mom finding out about the drinking, suspended license ect. I don't know how she'll react, or if it even come up in court. I am really worried and i really want to tell them. BUt i cant bring myself to do it, because then they know I lied to my parents. Knowing my luck the judge will prob say it out loud in the court room, "lets see his record, oh you already have a suspended license? OK for underage drinking, so it seems breaking the law is not a problem for you?"

I am genuinely enraged at myself for not thinking of the consequences before acting, but whats done is done, and i need to move on and not break the law!!!!! I never thought so much shit would go down in my lifetime. Then again i could always go and join the army or peace core or something... but a part of me does not want to...

Weekdays in the big R

So this week has been overall arite, i got rockband, and guitar hero. I am really close to getting my camera. I think ill get the nikon p80, seeing as how it fits my price range well. I went to enroll into the "program", and get my parole officer assignes, i need to go back on mondayto meet with her, i really hope shes a nice person. THis week i did a lot of skating. I managed to do several fae and as plants onto the pavement, since i havent skated in a while my body is not usted to the stresses im putting it thrugh, thus it akes like a bitch. I fell into several ditches and managsd to get a few articles of nice clothing verry muddy; cashirme sweeter, doubble breasted pea coat, my favorite pair of jeans. After these events occured, i was in much pain, so i went to the skate shop and decided since I left my regular skate shoes at home that I would buy a new pair on the cheap. So i did 35 bucks, sweet deal. I met with richmond officials who were really nice, we filled out some forms and set ground rules of parole; no drugs, no illegal activites, avoid the law... ext.
It was quite a relief, i thought it would be painfull and ardous. After these events unfolded i came home and got prepared to beat rock band, this is still a work in progress. Fast frwd, its thursday and i found out im getting a 71 in math, im not too pleased but its too late to do anything, even if i opt to take the optional final il still have just a c. maybe i should have turned in more than 43% of the hw, my own fault. But its still passing which is what im looking for bear minimum. I tried returning the extra coppy of gutar hero, but wallmart said they needed my lisence, which is suspended, so i dont have it, theys a bitch. I spoke to my mom about the speeding ticket, and we talked for like 2 hrs. This is what becca convinced me to do lastnight, i really am unsure where id be without that kid. She also said i should tell them about the drinking charge, but i just cant bring my slef to do it. It would be too dissapointing to them. Ill just take care of it and in 6 mo it will be all over. I am worried because i lost the speeding ticket, with the date and the time on it, and which court house. I got really really emotional when my parents started telling me things like they love and care about me because these are things i never think about. Espicially from my dad, many times its like hes the enemy; the fun natzi. I see where there comming from. I really cant do it, i feel bad and remource full but i just cant bring myself to tell my parents i drank and got cought and now i have a ristricted license and all of this shit. I was tossing arround the idea of joining the peace core, i have no clue, but it would give me time to sort these things out.

Awesome Ness 12-8

SO today was fantastic. Woke up late got my laundry, my whites are so white now that im not washing them with collors, maybe this is what my dad has been saying all these years. So i had scrambled eggs with salsa and delicious pieces of chopped steak, YUMMY. Then I tided up my room and matched all my socks up, I have i guess what you might call a sock fetish, only minus the sexual part. i really like Lycra socks, like the kind that under armor make. so then i tried to write my english essay, but got super side tracked. I was so nervous about going to English cause this was the last time id get to see Anne and maybe ask her out. I was so so so nervous even though it wasn't a big deal. I eventually noticed i needed to shave, so i got rid of the mustache. Also decided on something to wear, my stripped blue/ white express shirt, with a classic fox shirt underneath, and under shirt peeking out from under. Over all of this would be my double breasted pea coat, for the gloves i picked my classic CK leather. Everything was fine, sept Anne wasn't there, i hope shes OK. So after a boring class of talking to the kid next to me about making money on eBay, i went to wallmart and got rockband 2. I was super excited. Then called rob and Trevor. We saw Team America (fuck YA)! Sept for me it got old real quick, dunno y. Becca called and we had a nice chat, i dunno what made it nice, but looking back it seemed nice, to me at least. SO then i left and drove again like a grandpa. Since that time Ive been playing rockband 2, (Fuck ya America!), its so so so good. I wish it had some killers songs, I heart the killers. I think im going to go and try to sing, then look for a cannon rebel on eBay. While i was at wallmart i picked up a windscreen mountable iPhone holder and i trip. there pretty awesome. I have a math Pres tomorrow but the work was easy enough in class ill do it while other pple present. i totally wanna become an expert photographer, Thad be so cool! But I'm going to see if i can actually make some serious cash around this dump!

Macbook Troubles, FALL OUT BOy NEW CD!!!!!

So I woke up feeling (so damn) fine!
Got on facebook, and see the status of one of my BFF is something bout jumping off a tower. I quickly pick up my fone to give her a call, the cell drops out of my hand at an angle right into my macbook alex. The screen gets cracked : (. Turns out the line was a lyric from a song. Well here's to hoping for a new macbook for Christmas!! O And FAL OUT BOY CAME OUT WITH A NEW CD !!!!!!!!! SWEET!!!!

AAA to the rescue!

SO couldn't get the engine started by letting the electrons flow back into the battery. Miguel my landlord offered me to borrow his jumper pack which i graciously accepted. I connected it and tried to start it, no luck!!! I reconnected the cables, made sure it was a metal to metal connection... turned the heater off turned all other devices off, no luck. Eventually I decided to call AAA since we have plus service. They came in 20 min and i was off to wallmart to pick up some stuff b 4 i went to vcu. I called tom to find out if we were doing anything, he said a friend was a able to score a case. So I called Rob to find out when and where, on the phone he was being a bitch, not answering my questions ect. ect. So i called some other friends, they recited toms story, this is when i realized Rob was prob trying to get me to stay at home for my own good, which is nice, but i was already out and half way there. I drove like a grandpa for the whole way, we hung out and played fuk the dealer, such an amazing game, SERIOUSLY!!! Then went 4 food, some homeless guy was getting hassled by a hot cop, for loitering, wtf. So we went to a music party and called it a night. When i got home i repaired my skating pants, and worked on a scarf. I cleaned and re mounted my trucks, and wheels on my bam deck. My room is finally clean. I just need a way to store my boards; i have four fully built decks now and there always falling over.

Dead Saturday

SO I was planning on driving down to VCU later tonight but it turns out yesterday i left the GPS on. My landlord told me he saw it on so i went out and turned it off, started the car it ran so i left it for a min and then came back inside. Just now i went to go out and all i get is a feeble attempt to turn the engine over, i need to get a jumper pack. I think I'll ask my Landlord if i can borrow his.

Weekend Mediocrity~

Today feels good, just good.

Eating breakfast now, Listening to the killers, day and age. Maybe go skate and put my good deck back to gether. I played rock band, its really an awesome game, cant wait to get rockband 2. So might go down to VCu to go party tonight not sure, part of me wants to be allone and do alone stuff. I dont really have any idea of what to do today, I do know im not supposed to drive a car, maybe ill take my dirtbike somewhere. that seems like fun! I really dont care what ill do. Its kinda like nothing i do really matters, which is why i can stay up till 5 and wake up at 4. I need to find something that makes it worthwile, like being here. People tell me i have it goood, and i know i do, but what am i supposed to do with it, im doing good in school, but thats not fullfulling for me.

MAybe ill listen to the killers and "Joy RIde", THat actualy sounds like a cool idea. not like the stealing a car part, but like just riding, what ever, skating or maybe ill ghost ride my whip, lol.

First Post- Trying to sort my head out!

Ey,
So today I went to court for the stupid underage alcohol charge and pleaded guilty, after much consideration I thought the plea would be the best since it was the truth. Turns out I was wrong; I honestly have the luck of a broken mirror under a ladder, with a black cat on the top. So I was held up in court and in the holding cell and in the clerical office for a total of 5 hours, fuck the city of Richmond. I’m really embarrassed because now I have to go to traffic court about the other ticket I got wreckless 84 in a 65, especially since my license is suspended. I need to go to the dmv and change my address because they will prob send paper work to my parents which would be really bad, ill do that later. But back to the sentencing, so basically I am getting raped by my life; License is suspended for 6 mo, except for going to class. I have to do 50 hrs community service, I got fingerprinted and have a criminal record, and I have to report to a parole officer and do routine urine testing, life is so good to me. On top of this because court took so long I realized there was no way I could make it to Cody t. funeral, its just too sad. Especially because I promised Caroline id be there, mostly for her, because she’s like one of my best friends ever and I know she’s or was not doing so hot. I’m still upset sad mad ECT. But evbdy seems to be almost moving on; maybe I should do the same but its like so surreal feeling. Cody was strong and levelheaded, ill just say our friendship really meant allot to me. But I missed the only time that I could like pay my respects before the burial. I am really glad to hear that Caroline and Chris are friends again. I’ve been working to get their friendship back together. Apparently they met up at the funeral and hit it off.
Yesterday I was really stressed so I took a relaxing bath, scented candles, the hot water, warm glow of the light bouncing off the tile, the fray playing from my laptop, really relaxing until it played some songs I didn’t want to hear so I pressed the next button but I guess I got water all over the keyboard because the enter wasn’t working neither is assorted other keys.
I had to call my parent and tell them I wasn’t going to come home, they understood, but I guess the whole thing brought us closer together. They still haven’t figured out the reason I went to the er, but that’s behind me now. I got hit by a car while skating a while back, so that’s actually the truth 2, so it’s only like a half lie. But my parents really do have the best intentions, and I’m acting like a spoiled brat/ douche bag. I’ve been so so so emotional today, after arriving home I sat in the car for like 45 min just thinking about things; it was really dark, things like maybe Cody was on to something with his "actions". But then I realized the problems that that would cause. I’m like over that but I know I’m kind of a drama queen and I just need to chill my dick. I’m really excited to go home, but I need to ace my finals first, I’m for real kind of worried about how I’m going to do.

In my English class there was a girl, the most amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, she was just so awesome. But I haven’t seen her for a long time like 2-3 classes which is actually long cause we only meet 1ce per week. Well I don’t know if I’m going to see her again or if she will remember me, I totally want to get some coffee with her. I don’t know why I like her so much, but she is so cool, we met in class, like I couldn’t connect to the wifi and she like explained to me how to do it, turns out the ip version 5 protocol files were damaged so I needed a os reinstall, but I first noticed her when she pulled out the same Mac that I have, I love Mac books. So I saw juno and loved it so so much! The sound track just started playing in tunes. Her name is Anne, and she works at a restaurant/ bar downtown, she long boards (totally awesome), and has a V-dub that she works on occasionally (she appreciates German engineering). She has a strong sense of like environmental awareness, which I find totally attractive. She’s got the cutest face, blonde hair and horn-rimmed Esq. glasses; she is kind of a scene girl, which I find 2 hot. Ya so I think it are sadly safe to say that I barely know her but already like her way more than I should.

Becca and I have been talking allot lately and I have though again if I do have feelings for her. But I really don’t know, I mean if I did I think I should know it. This is complicated further because I did have feeling for her and I told her, but she’s like my best friend, and does not share the same feelings. This was really seriously further complicated when she made out with one of my new friends, ON MY BED!!! But I got over that. Today she acted really differently on the phone, I facebooked her like that I cherish our friendship and I wanted her to know I love her, cause I do, but not like romantically. Well I checked back and she deleted it so I guess she took it the wrong way. I confronted her about if she thought I still had feelings for her and assured her I did not, we are friends nothing more. But this in it self is weird for me because I don’t know. I say that but I duno if I really mean it, I cant tell her the truth because it would wreck out friendship and I cant do that. It would honestly hurt her and me too much for the good it would do. I mean I’m interested in other girls so that’s got to mean something, right? Well I really miss her, in a similar way that I miss my friends back home, and at other schools. We said we'd go to Longwood on Sunday to see her n stuff. But my friend rob actually can't make it anymore so either it will be me and tom, a guy who doesn’t know Becca too well that go up, or I could go by myself, or don’t go at all. The reason tom might not want to go is because there may be drama between one of Becca's sweet mates and tom. I don’t think I can go by myself because that would make it look like weird. Her sweet mates think I like her romantically, but I feel like were just really really really good friends. I mean for Christ sake i've told her stuff no one else knows, id trust her with my life. I really want to see her, but I don’t want to come off as a stalker weirdo creep. But then again she’s basically told me that she doesn’t care if her roommates give her shit because were talking all of the time, and spend so much time together. She says that like as long as were cool with it it’s no problem. Becca is most deff the best female friend I’ve ever had!

Recently I feel really like I duno lonely which I try to hide from others but its kind of obvious if u look at my facebook, thers allot of activity, more than usual. It hasn’t helped that today I was an emotional wreck, Becca called me like 3 time to check in, and I called back like 2 more times, I try for the most part to hide things but she just knows me too well. She totally knows when I’m lying about things. I just feel that she knows me better than anybody else, which is why I can’t fuck up our friendship. Recently she’s been really stressed out lately, which I don’t know how to help defuse. The way I usually deal with people who are stressed out is to like talk it out maybe a hug or light back massage. But Becca is totally closed off over the phone, I am happy because tonight I herd the old Becca, she went to a school winter dance and said it relieved some stress, as soon as I spoke to her I noticed she sounded different.

Recently I’ve been having problems keeping or getting "it" into my pants, but it seems as that has mostly resolved it self. It was so bad cause after a while it actually hurt, like being up all the time. Awk I know.

I kind of wana get drunk with some friends, and go to a dance party or concert. I feel so dirty, I am clean and everything but like in the words of sylar I feel like "damaged goods", but honestly the only thing that is making me feel this way is the fact that today I got treated as a criminal, all I did was drink a few tiny glasses of fermented grain juice. It’s honestly the most bullshit law ever. I will be 21 in like basically 2 years and 22 days, that’s nothing, I should have gotten a lesser sentence but I digress.

People tell me it is no big deal and part of me tells me this is true but part of me tells me it is a disgrace to like me and my name and my record. I thought id get a warning or something, guess not. I really love the beach; maybe if I don’t go to Becca' s I’ll take some alone time off n go to the beach. I mean y not, its peaceful, safe, fun, if I did go id want to take a good camera but I don’t have the money to buy one, I want a cannon rebel so bad! Its so super cool, I just saw some amazing pictures a while ago and was like I wana do that.
I’m such a music whore, I couldn’t live without music.
I just love it so much, the way different songs can make u feel. The different genres and the power of it all. It’s astounding.

ON occasion I skate, I love the feeling of riding on the board, like its part of me ect, pple give me shit about it all the time but its a part of me, my mom basically insisted that I stop but I told her I can say I would but that would be a lie, I cant stop skating. I have a few boards now; 1 stiff deck with reds and orangutan’s, gull wing double king pin trucks. On my vanguard deck I’ve got idny trucks, reds, sector 9 purples. On my habitat board I’ve got frontage trucks, cored wheels and abec7's. Finally on my last deck (: my tribute to bam mergera and Him) I got tattoo trucks, reds and jellly wheels, also Him/ Bam grip tape. I love Him their music touches me inside. I have to say the only bands that really do this for me are like him, the killers, jimmy eat word, metro station, and boy kill boy.

I’m thinking of taking out some serious alone time for myself to figure out all of the stuff that’s going on in my head. On paper it seems so simple but up here it isn’t. I can’t rationalize the ways that I feel so easy, I feel cold and numb but winter is not the reason, its numb from inside. Its like seem to have lost enjoyment, i'm like a junkie looking for the next time I get a shot of happy, its there for a short while, then disappears. I don’t know if this is normal, I don’t wana be a drama queen, but I am so conflicted whether there’s something wrong or not. Maybe ill tell the doc when I go to get my ADD checked out.
There’s a part of me that says i'm wasting time here and I could be doing more else where, I just don’t know where and doing what. My current situation is not fulfilling it is a hole to me a void of nothingness. I’m not trying to come off as emo or depressed but this is how I’m trying to get it out of my system by writing. I love writing; I can be so simplistic and/or so powerful, it’s really spectacular.

I look to my parents who I love, and think; with all that they do can they really draw pleasure and purpose in the methodicalness and repetitively that happens, same 9-5 job every day, and the turns in the market. How can one ever be happy with this, it would drive me crazy.

The killers are right I know first hand "sleep, its such a bitter form of refuge." Day and age is a really good album. I’ve been sleeping loads lately cause nothing else makes me feel better, even when I’m around other people I feel like there’s a barrier, a wall.
Untill next time,
B.C.

ER bills

SO this weekend the bill came home from the ER, i didn't lie to my parents but i made them believe that i was sent there via ambulance because of skating related blackout. The truth is that the incident occurred because i od'ed on alcohol. I feel really bad about it but cant tell them the truth.

Trouble with the law

This is my reflection on the worst Friday of my life. It started when i was down about the last weekend. Becca was sad/ bored/ feeling allone 2. So we deceided it would be a good idea to go pick her up and hang out etc. I was running late so i sped going up there, i was watching for cops, but then one showed up in a construction zone. I got pulled over, the cop told me to step out, he serched me and cuffed me, then told me there was a warrant out for my arrest. I got into his car and we waited to see if i would have to be detained or not, i was freeking out cause i didnt have enough money in my account to get my car towed, I was so so so worried. we herd back form richmond pd, they said to just issue the ticket. We went to the station which felt like it took hours. Then we went back to my car, the battery was dead! To BE continued

A reflection on november

So today is thurday dec 11, but i thought i should go back and explain the events that landed me in all of this shit. So its like the 15 and i wanna see becca. THey have nothing to do at long wood, so they come up insted. THis is like a really cool idea but we wana party but have no parties to go to. I go and ask some guy to buy us some beer, but he say no, cops! LAter he sees our group and tells us theres a party back at his place, the girls ar reluctant, but rob really wants to goand get some boos. Im kinda in the middle trying to work out a happy medium. Well we end up going and we all take shots, i rember becca actualy got drunk for the first time with the vodka and the beer, I was an iddiot and wanted to catch up so i downed like 3 more dubble shots. I kinda felt buzzed but i decided i could handle a beer which turned into 2. After thes 11 shots and 2 beers i was blitzed, i rmeber dancing, trying to get becca to calm down. I rember someone sayign the cops were outside and we needed to leave. We left, and shortly after i fell in a puddle, one of becca's room mates halped me up, her name was lauren. So i rember being in my car and thinking if i puke ill clean it up tomorrow. no biggie, well rob and trevor pulled me out and thats when i got busted. i got arrested and blacked out so then they called an ambulance. the next thing i rember is waking up in the hospital. it all seemed like a dream untill the next weekend when i got a speeding ticket and there was a warrant for my arrest. THats the story of my shittiest nov 15 ever.